Crown v. Three Little Porks (2012)

Crown v. Three Little Porks (2012)

Prosecution Representing Crown: Vlad Shapiro

Defence Representing the Three Little Porks: Gary Xia

Indictments:

1. Organized Crime

2. Possession of Narcotics

3. Trafficking of Narcotics

4. Murder to the 1^st Degree

*Motion to pre-admit evidence.

May it please the court, counsel, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. The opening statement you have just heard from Mr. Shapiro on behalf of the Crown, paints an incomplete picture of what occurred on the occasion when Mr. Big Bad Wolfe met his demise.

The evidence will clearly show that my clients, Mr. Tender Pork, Mr. Middler Pork, and Mr. Stringy Pork are not at fault in this matter, and that any harm sustained by Mr. B. B. Wolfe was clearly caused by Mr. Wolfe's own negligence, assumption of the risk, and error of judgement, as are the subsequent charges brought against my clients.

Moreover, Mr. B. B. Wolfe has a history of making erroneous and negligent decisions. Three years prior to this incident, Mr. B. B. Wolfe came to the conclusion, without having sufficient evidence, that Ms. Little Red Riding-Hood was a known associate of organized crime, and thus proceeded to uncover a supposed drug-trafficking scheme. Said resident of Green Woods Crescent was in fact bringing baked goods to Ms. Grandma Red. However, Mr. B. B. Wolfe, acting on a whim, devoured both Ms. Little Red and Ms. Grandma Red. Mr. B. B. Wolfe in fact violated his duties as a peace-officer. Instead of fulfilling his mandate to protect and serve, he terrorized and caused harm.

His negligence and misjudgement nearly caused the deaths of two innocent civilians three years ago. His negligence and misjudgement nearly caused the deaths of two other innocent civilians in this incident.

I could list many more examples of Mr. B. B. Wolfe's negligent conduct in connection with his investigative work, but you will hear about them as the trial goes on. You will also hear the following evidence:

1. You will hear the plaintiff's written report, Exhibit A, describing how he reached the conclusion that my clients, Mr. Tender Pork, Mr. Middler Pork, and Mr. Stringy Pork are guilty of the charges set forth by the prosecution. Included is Exhibit B, the evidence on which three of the prosecution's charges are predicated upon.
2. You will also witness the video footage captured by security cameras installed around the premises of Mr. Tender Pork's brick house. In the footage, you will hear Mr. Wolf say “Let me in, little pig” to which Mr. Tender Pork replied “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.” Mr. Tender Pork further went on to remark “Are you a cop? Because if you are a cop, you've gotta tell me you're a cop.” You will then see Mr. B. B. Wolfe neglect to show his badge, or to produce a written warrant.

3. You will also hear the coroner's report describing the seven stones which are firmly lodged in Mr. B. B. Wolfe's stomach, and how they in fact impede the motor functions of said Wolfe and thus his ability to maneuver out of tight-spots.

4. Finally, you will hear the witness testimonies of Mr. Tender Pork, Mr. Middler Pork, and Mr. Stringy Pork, in which they describe the circumstances surrounding Mr. B. B. Wolfe's very unfortunate and accidental demise.

If permissible by the court, I would like to introduce Exhibits A and B in order to illustrate my point.

Exhibit A is a statement of investigation made shortly before Mr. Wolfe met his demise. In it, he states

“I overheard the Three Little Porks talking extensively about a substance they code-named 'sugar' which is no-doubt a reference to Cocaine. They held Secretive meetings from which each left with a bag of 'Cocaine'. This led me to believe that they indeed possessed Narcotics and formed the intention to traffic and distribute narcotics. Further to this point, that they were involved in organized crime.”

I would like to direct your attention to Exhibit B. This bag was found on the person of my client, Mr. Stringy Pork, and contains the substance to which Mr. Wolfe referred, sugar. Although the physical properties of sugar closely resemble that of powdered cocaine, testing has proven that the contents of this bag are indeed sugar, and not cocaine. If Mr. Wolfe had indeed mistaken sugar for cocaine, can the charges of illicit criminal activities still stand?

If I may so oblige you, Honorable Judge, members of the jury, may I ask you to close your eyes. Close your eyes, please, and allow me to tell you a story about three brave, honest, and virtuous porks, and why they sit before you today. To you and me, sugar may have been nothing more than a flavouring. But to my clients, sugar represents everything sweet and good in life. It is that little bit of sweetness, to cure the pains of a hard day's work. Those tiny, magical grains of crystallized glucose, melting on your tongue – that, is bliss.

My clients, Mr. Tender Pork, Mr. Middler Pork, and Mr. Stringy Pork, were merely exercising their constitutional rights in the pursuit of happiness. For it, they have been wrongfully accused of Organized Crime, Possession, and Trafficking of Narcotics. And for ensuring their security of person, they have been wrongfully accused of Murder to the 1^st Degree.

Being knowledgeable of the law, my clients refused entry to Mr. B. B. Wolfe on the following grounds. One, that he did not identify himself as a peace-officer, and two, that he had no warrant to substantiate his order for my clients to let him inside. Instead of obtaining a warrant, Mr. Wolfe decided to forcibly enter my client's residence by climbing down the chimney. This he did under the knowledge that he had seven large stones in his belly, and that there was steam rising from the chimney. Mr. Wolfe subsequently lost his balance, and fell into the pot of soup Mr. Tender Pork had incidentally started to prepare three hours prior to Mr. Wolfe's arrival. Try as he might, Mr. Wolfe was unable to get out. The stones in his belly acted as an anchor, pinning him to his death.

We all grieve for Mr. Wolfe's death, as it was most tragic. But we cannot let his death obscure the circumstances surrounding his demise. The fact remains, that my clients, the Three Little Porks, did not harbor the intention, nor did they commit the act of murder to the 1^st degree. They were unaware of Mr. Wolfe's intentions to climb in through the chimney, and were thus unable to prevent Mr. Wolfe from harming himself.

The prosecution's attempts to indict my clients will be akin to tattooing a soap bubble. I very much doubt the plausibility of tattooing a soap bubble, as I very much doubt that my clients, Mr. Tender Pork, Mr. Middler Pork, and Mr. Stringy Pork are capable of committing the heinous crimes that they were so wrongfully accused of perpetrating.

The defence pleads not guilty to the charges of Organized Crime, Possession of Narcotics, Trafficking of Narcotics, and Murder to the 1^st Degree. Further to this point, the defence asks that said defendants, Mr. Tender Pork, Mr. Middler Pork, and Mr. Stringy Pork, be cleared of all charges brought against them.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, let justice be not obscured. Let justice be found on the rocks of truth, and not the clouds of uncertainty. Let justice be your incontrovertible proof.

The Defence rests.

Written for Law 12